I recently attended an Expert Chat with Dave Stahoviak and Tom Henschel. (If you want to interface with phenomenal experts in the leadership field, I urge you to join The Coaching for Leaders Academy.)
During this discussion, Tom led a conversation about how to deal with a narcissist. Not only did I acquire some great insights, but I was also amazed at how many of us are familiar with and often struggle to navigate this type of personality.
To begin with, I want to level set. An accurate diagnosis of a legitimate personality disorder should always be determined by a psychologist. As with most personalities, there is a spectrum, and while traits associated with narcissism are not hard to find, they are universally difficult to navigate. I hope that this will be helpful to you.
Tom left a lasting impression with his explanation of a narcissist's reality. Imagine wearing a helmet with a face shield. Normally, you can see through the shield to observe and interact with the people around you. For a narcissist, however, the face shield isn't transparent—it's a mirror reflecting only themselves. In this reality, others are merely background players, existing to support the narcissist's perspective. This isn't a conscious choice on their part; it's simply the way they perceive the world.
Important to consider:
People who demonstrate these characteristics are not acting this way, they just are this way.
You will not change them and cannot “fix” their behavior. Similarly, you cannot “fix” someone with Schizophrenia.
Motivation is derived from what serves them - which is the lens through which they see the world.
It is imperative that you depersonalize your interactions. Yes, they will often leave you feeling unseen and disregarded. The trick is to remind yourself that narcissists are not aware of this dynamic and it is not a conscious act on their part.
How you navigate these relationships is your choice. If you understand the fundamental rules, you can more easily strategize boundaries and protect yourself.
Positive aspects:
Many great leaders are simultaneously narcissists. Why is that? Because they are charismatic, energetic, and grandiose individuals. Their positivity as to how they will lead you, or your team, to greatness can be enticing. We all know that there is nothing like following positivity and excitement!
If you are aiding in their success, they will be very attentive, loyal, and warm toward you. Not surprisingly, this feels good. With that said, this flattery is contingent upon their success.
Negative Implications:
How Narcissistic Leaders Destroy from Within by Stanford professor, Charles O’Reilly, researches narcissists in the workplace. He notes that “they believe they’re superior and thus not subject to the same rules and norms. Studies show they’re more likely to act dishonestly to achieve their ends. They know they’re lying, and it doesn’t bother them. They don’t feel shame.” Their decisions and actions are “driven by their self-interest.”
Narcissists can lead very powerful teams and will generously support the members as long as (please read this) you remain loyal, promoting their agenda and thus elevating their position. As soon as the spotlight moves, or you have a competing agenda, duck and roll fast!
Strategies to navigate:
Do not take interactions personally - positive or negative. There is typically a self-serving angle, and the game may change quickly.
Create boundaries. It is easy to lose yourself in these relationships. Establish clear boundaries and lines of communication. The narcissist will often try to intervene, or derail plans to gain the spotlight. Stay strong!
Do not share personal information that might be used to manipulate or gain leverage at a later time.
As Tom so beautifully said, “Narcissists are completely receptive to flattery.” This means that if you need their engagement, you can thoughtfully manipulate the conversation in a way that meets their needs while creating a reason for them to buy in. The key is that they need to believe they are doing something that helps THEM, not you.
As an example: Pretend that part of your work obligation is bringing a speaker into the organization that will ultimately contribute toward you earning the promotion that you have been waiting for. If you ask John (the narcissist) to help you by making an appearance to speak, he will likely not be very motivated, wondering what’s in it for him.
However, if you say, “John, I know that you are an extraordinary speaker, and I would love to invite you to share your knowledge with my team so that they can learn from you, and experience your energy.” Bam, now you know that John is in! Why? Because you manipulated, or shifted, the “ask” to meet his needs (i.e., recognition, spotlight).
Again, keep in mind that these are characteristics that present on a spectrum, and are no doubt difficult to navigate. Over the long term though, normalizing these struggles and seeking support will be helpful and healing.
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