Selfish vs. Self-Regard

Self-Regard: A struggle for many, but imperative to overcome.

self-regard: (noun) the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect. A sense of one's own dignity or worth.

Are you being selfish in your decision or response, honoring your self-worth? 

I am currently reading Edith Eger’s latest book, The Gift- 14 Lessons to Save Your Life. A survivor of Auschwitz as a young girl, Edith went on to become a practicing clinical psychologist in the US. As you can imagine, her insights on life and navigating disruption are both profound and sobering.

A foundational element in her healing and survival was recognizing and honoring her self-worth.  

How often have you silenced your inner voice to appease someone else’s will, only to feel a growing disconnect from the person you aspire to be, each concession quietly eroding your sense of self?

We miss the distinction between selfish and self-worth.  Prioritizing your feelings, your ambitions, your joy, and your boundaries, all while unapologetically owning decisions that support your growth, connection, and healing, is not selfish.  Self-regard is leaning into yourself and creating a healthy space to be uniquely you.

Freedom doesn’t come by waiting—it comes by waking up. Reclaim your voice. Reclaim your space. No one else will do it for you, and most would rather you stay quiet, because your obedience fuels their comfort. But you weren’t born to be convenient. You were born to rise, to shake the ground, to own every inch of who you are.

Does this resonate? Are you even clear as to the unique gifts that you possess? Or, is your time spent placating others?

To unfurl and become the true essence of who you are requires deep insight and commitment to challenging what feels safe, while having the bravery to believe that you are worthy of more.

Step one: Deeply believing and wanting to reclaim your worth.

Step two: Develop a life and clarity that honors this mission. You must lead yourself first.

• Decide who you want to be and commit. Most everyone would say, “Yes, of course I want to find alignment.” However, few are willing to do the hard, introspective work.

Mel Robbins has a great episode that explores this very topic. She is funny, pointed, and has many “how-to” ideas.

One of her suggestions is the “high-five challenge.” It asks you to start each day, looking in the mirror and giving yourself a high five, telling yourself that you’re great! It is VERY hard to do this without smiling and getting a quick dopamine hit. However, if you don’t practice loving yourself, it will be very hard to expect others to.

• Without judgment, become conscious of the disconnect. In what circumstances can you feel yourself retreating? Denying honesty, following, and not leading? Succumbing to the narrative when deep down you have opposition?

• Identify the common thread: Shame, guilt, self-consciousness, judgment, fear… what is the overriding theme that you use to excuse yourself?

• Challenge yourself: What is the cost of not changing? Will you look back with regret? This creates the motivation to stay focused.

• One thing: What is one thing you can do differently today to begin shifting the experience? It may be verifying assumptions, finding the bravery to challenge a viewpoint, finding time to integrate your passion, or taking a moment for daily affirmations.

“A leader who is centered has balanced self-regard and will accept himself or herself unconditionally, rather than feeling compelled to behave in a certain way in order to please others.” Emotionally-i-Fit