In college, I spent a summer working with a forensic psychologist. I was fascinated by the intersection of psychology and crime. How does thinking evolve, and what leads us to judgment, assumption, and response? My project was to research the recidivism rates of the most violent criminals in Massachusetts—those convicted of murder, rape, assault, and arson.
I spent hours reading inmate files, learning about their childhoods, seeing photos of their crimes, and reading the recounted stories of the events. On the surface, this was terrifying and fear-provoking. The answer seemed easy… lock them up and throw away the key. But surprisingly, I walked away from that summer with an unexpected insight that I still carry today:
What we learn on the surface is never the whole story.
Comprehending the context around an event not only brings depth, but also fosters understanding, empathy, and perspective. It changes the way we interpret our thoughts and reactions.
Roughly 90% of these men had endured severe trauma: Child rape, assault, homelessness, drug abuse, parents in prison, mothers working as prostitutes, and extreme neglect. If the first seven years of life are critical for developing foundational social and emotional regulation skills—and those years are spent normalizing crime and terror—is it any surprise they ended up in prison? After all, we imitate what we learn.
While knowing the context does not excuse behavior or reduce culpability, it does bring color to what may otherwise seem black and white. Context allows us to integrate empathy and humanity, adding the complexity of polar opposites into the same moment.
The Challenge: Resist the Fear
Quick judgments and reactions provide temporary safety. They shield you from complexity—the messiness of life. But you can’t outrun the truth. Reacting to a single moment in time, a single page in a book, or the headline of a story limits your understanding.
As a leader, it is your obligation to read the surrounding pages. In order to make thoughtful decisions, you must respond with an appreciation for the complexities that we all carry.
The Solution
Our initial conclusions about others are rarely accurate. Likewise, what we say at first rarely reflects what we truly mean. The truth lies beneath the surface.
Michael Bungay Stanier, in his book, The Coaching Habit, talks about the A.W.E. question: And What Else? It suggests asking one more question before responding or forming a judgment. “Stay curious, stay genuine.” Stay in the space of curiosity, and ask another question in hopes of keeping the door open for exploration and understanding. You will be amazed by what you learn.
Here are some suggestions:
“You mentioned you were frustrated. Could you tell me more about that?”
“You think this won’t work. What do you see as the barriers?”
“What do you feel is the disconnect?”
The goal is to attain a foundational understanding that will drive future success, not merely a quick outcome.
My Challenge to You:
Awareness: Notice how often you react to an initial sentence or impression. How might this limit the depth of your understanding and connection?
Ask Another Question: Even when you think the answer is obvious.
Allow for Silence: Silence is an invitation to explore more deeply.
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