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A client was nice enough to send me this podcast episode, and it not only resonated deeply with me, but I in turn, have sent it to many other clients.  This is a clear sign I should share it with you! Mel Robbins is a no-nonsense podcaster that gets right to the point.  Her episode “Let Them Theory” struck a nerve. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone does something that seems either counterproductive, a waste of time, overindulgence, or simply “wrong”?  If you are like me, you want to “fix it.”  Help find a better solution, suggest a more efficient approach, or offer to help.  I find I spend so much mental energy worrying, strategizing, and perseverating, which distracts me from what really matters. Mel suggests we adopt the theory of “Let Them.”  As the need to control the situation bubbles up within you, Stop yourself and repeat after me…” Let Them” Let them discover what an empty gas gauge means. Let them wear shorts in the winter. Let them show up unprepared for a meeting. Let them not wash their clothes for a week. *Clearly, we are not talking about a self-harm or safety situation; don’t let them drive drunk or do/say something out of rage or make a dire mistake. Release yourself from the burden or need to care for another’s seemingly bad decisions, approaches, or thoughts.  Let Them.  It is consequences that allow us to reflect and grow. This doesn’t mean you don’t care or aren’t interested in supporting, it just allows you not to be tied into another’s choice of action.  This approach allows the other person to experience life and consequences independently- without your safety net.  Sometimes they fall, sometimes they don’t, but either way, you have not used your energy on something that is not yours to own. Robbins reflects that “when you ‘Let Them’ do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.” Adopting this approach has been very mentally freeing.  My husband and I will throw the “Let Them” phrase out as a sign of solidarity of knowing.  It feels good to have someone support you in stepping back and letting the chips fall as they may.  I am released from the hypervigilance status and the self-imposed need to fix and control. I trust you, support you, and let you make decisions and choices on your own, even if I predict it will be difficult. If the roles were reversed, and someone “let you,” you undoubtedly understood how much you learned and appreciated the gift of hindsight. My Challenge to You: Become conscious of your need to “fix it” and take a movement to pause.  What if you “Let Them”?   How would that feel, and what would be the worst-case scenario? Share your desire to pull back from fixing with a partner or colleague.  Having the support of another is really helpful.

Let’s be honest…. What are you REALLY willing to do to be an impactful leader? Many say they will “do what it takes,” which translates into spending long hours reorganizing, prioritizing, and strategizing, but only a few take a beat and seriously assess themselves, give up control, take the backseat, elevate the ideas of others, and ask more questions than anyone else. I will say it again: We are expected to lead but rarely taught how to be a great leader. Many find their position to be one of influence, title, and esteem, but they rarely surrender to the learning curve required for greatness. It takes humility and skill development to succeed in these roles. My job as a leadership coach affords me the opportunity to see behind the curtain of many in leadership positions. I am amazed at how many struggle with the same concerns and skill gaps. Luckily, they have found a trusting partner to navigate the chaos. Leadership can be lonely, and I am here to tell you, you are not alone. There are amazing resources, people, organizations, and books that will guide your learning and support your growth, but the first step is committing to engaging in the learning process. As I look back on my career (before a leadership coach), I wish I had had more intentionality around growing my skills. My head was down just “doing the work” and I missed opportunities to have even greater success and impact. I don’t want you to do the same. I want to provide you with the CliffNotes to leadership. Here is the rub... the CliffNotes are not something you read and then you are transported into a leader; outstanding leadership is a state of being. It is an act of service to others, not yourself. It is reversing many things that got you here. It is giving more than you take, it is doing less and trusting more, it is setting your ego aside so others can take the credit. Commit to slowly developing the knowledge, strategy, and skill to lead alongside other greats. I offer you the ​Weekly Wisdom​ as one resource for this endeavor. There are over 100 writings on my ​website ​for your review. You will also be linked to hundreds of other resources, podcast episodes, and books. In the “resource” tab, I have curated great books and podcasts to support your growth. This road to great leadership is a commitment of time and mindset. The choice to challenge yourself and stay open to growth. Part of this path is also elevating the skills of others. Share your learnings, discuss revelations, practice humility and curiosity, and learn from others. My Challenge to You: Intentionality and mindfulness: As a leader, everything you do and say is being watched. Are you taking this seriously and showing up as the best version of yourself each day? Commit to elevating your learning. Grab one book and commit to reading it, take a leadership class, listen to a podcast, or read a new Weekly Wisdom each day for a month. It is small steps that will take you to where you want to be. If you are really serious, email me, and I will partner with you to support your success.

For those who know me personally, you know my deep commitment to animals. With this passion comes the ability to see and act on what others might miss. -A slight limp in the right back leg -A small twitch of the left ear -The coat is coming in with a bit more curl than last spring. These subtleties that most would overlook seem obvious to the most attuned.   We don’t hesitate to investigate, diagnose, and treat proactively.  We care so much that we lose sleep until our health is restored. I commit to this because I care deeply about the health and well-being of my animals.  Seems pretty obvious, right? Yet, when it comes to problems at work or with our team, many do the opposite.  While we care just as deeply, we find every reason to avoid the elephant, hoping that normalcy will be restored.  Logically, we know that is crazy, yet, time and time again, we repeat ourselves. We can’t fain ignorance, the writing is on the wall.  We silently negotiate with ourselves, and any positive xyz is overemphasized to mitigate the need for discussion. We worry we would be “overreacting” or making a big deal of a small thing… therefore we avoid it and hope it gets better with time.  If this was your child, would you ignore the slight redness in their eye or how they limped slightly on the soccer field?  Most likely not.  So why ignore these subtle signs with your team? I will be honest with you: there is one of two things at play: You have made the situation about YOU rather than choosing to invest in another’s or, You don’t know HOW to have this discussion while preserving the relationship. With animals or children, intervening proactively is seen as a selfless act of caring.  Although, in relationships, we often think of ourselves first.  “What will they think of me if I mention that?”  “Will they think I am overreacting?  “Will they think I am just competitive?”  The intention of the act morphs into self-preservation or protection. While this is an understandable rationale, it will never prove worthy.  Resentment and anger build, and small, unbridled acts become the foundation for your relationships and company. Subtle tension permeates, and trust disintegrates. It is not too late to release yourself from this cycle and inspire others to do the same.  Change will require intentionality, mindfulness, and skill, but I have no doubt you are up for the challenge and are well aware of the impact you can have. “Like attracts like.” Your courageous stance and honest conversations will inspire others to do the same and build trust and loyalty. Not everyone will always like what you are saying, but the goal is not to be liked, it is to be thoughtful, open, honest, and kind.  Create clarity with your words and thoughts.  Focus on the process, not the person, and stay curious about what you may not know. This practice gets easier with time; stay consistent and keep the focus on elevating others. My Challenge to You: Quietly assess your relationships and what elements bring tension.  Without judgment, excuses, or explanation, admit honesty to yourself.  Become aware and connect to the underlying fear. If your values and actions are out of alignment, can you identify one small act of communication that might bring you closer to wholeness? How often is the need to “be liked” impeding your ability to be honest?  Play with this idea and feeling, by strengthening your self-worth, you will begin to loosen the grip and energy you give to what others may think.

My clients inspire me, and I often see trends emerge from my conversations. Regardless of your industry, so many of you are struggling with similar challenges.  You are not alone in your questions, struggles, and need for connection. In previous writings, I have discussed the concept of The Avoider, which is taken from the Positive Intelligence work of Shirzad Chamine.  (you can refresh your memory here.) Most recently, I have seen this trait wreak havoc in relationships and workplace dynamics.  Avoiding people or having difficult conversations can bring temporary relief, but I am here to tell you it is NEVER the answer and undoubtedly will escalate and create more destruction.  Avoiding discomfort is tempting, but you no longer have that luxury as a leader.  Your team depends on your courage to serve them and the organization, not yourself. Courageous Leadership: Be intentional and mindful: own your discomfort and commit to a resolution that serves others and your team. Allow yourself grace: this is hard for 90% of people; you are not alone.  You don’t need to know the answer. You just need to be willing to find it. Admit you are human and partner with someone for support: Find a mentor, coach, or colleague to support your success and brainstorm strategies. Recognize this is a LEARNED skill and commit to your personal growth and development. I have conducted several short workshops on “difficult conversations,” and I can tell you that there are learned strategies and techniques that, if you commit the time to learn and integrate, will save you from sleepless nights and broken relationships and create long-term success that is rooted in trust, transparency, and honesty. Andy Stanley once said, “People like character but follow clarity.” What kind of leader do you want to be? Balancing Likability and Honesty: Many people want to be liked and sacrifice honesty to retain their image.  I am not inferring that you have to choose between honesty and likeability, but I am saying that not everyone will always like or agree with you, which is OK. Typically, avoiding the topic or conversation is self-perceived as a way to stay in the good graces of others, but instead, it creates long-term distrust and erodes the foundation of your team. Leadership is not a popularity contest. You must decide where to expend your energy and what you ultimately value most. What I remember about my most influential leaders is their courage, their strength to stand in the fire when times were difficult, humility, and their ability to talk about and brainstorm the barriers to success.  They acknowledged the discomfort and held the tension.  They focused on the team’s success more than their comfort. My Challenge to You: Self-Reflection: How often do you avoid the truth, and what are the commonalities around this behavior? What is the cost of Avoiding?  Energy, relationships, cohesiveness of your team, trust? What will you do to change the dynamic and develop new skills? You can join the “recovered Avoider” team; I have seen it happen many times.  Are you worth the investment?

I just returned from teaching at my local high school’s Advanced Leadership class.  It is fun to see young adults begin to ask the questions that so many of us struggle with later in life.  I came away thinking about the concept of “judgment”.  Many of their questions had some disguise of judgment rooted at their core.  “What will people think of me?” “Why did she do that?” “Because of the pandemic … ”  Judgment is subtle but pervasive and robs you of curiosity, innovation, and empathy. Judgment arrests thought at its inception.  It creates excuses so we do not work harder or think differently. In Positive Intelligence (PI), the “judge” is considered the tenth and Universal Saboteur and is broken down into three areas: The judgment of ourselves The judgment of others The judgment of circumstances. Which one of these most resonates with you?  Typically, we connect with one more deeply than another.  The judge is seen as the root of unhappiness and anxiety.  Imagine what it would feel like to have a day without personal or external judgment. Judgment is so prevalent that it is not rated on the PI assessment.  It is assumed to be present in all of us to some degree or another.  How it shows up and the effect it has is most interesting. Judgment is typically unconscious and works wonders on our brains.  So, how does one rid oneself of the judge? My advice is mindfulness.  Become acutely aware of when judgment shows up and how you use it to serve yourself or others.  Jugment many times gives you permission to do what you otherwise wouldn’t. Judgment takes integrity and independence out of thought. Pay attention to your thinking.  How many of your responses or beliefs are rooted in a personal assumption or judgment?  Judgment is normal and to be expected.  It can serve as a springboard for discussion and curiosity but also may limit our relationships and innovation if unchecked. I don’t think it has as much to do with having judgment but more with what you choose to do with that judgment.  How do you change your perspective based on the belief you have formed, a belief often rooted in fear, stories, and assumptions? Mindfulness and curiosity are the great oppressors of the judge. My Challenge to You: Become curious yet gentle with yourself.  Slow down and create time to ask yourself, “Is this thought rooted in truth or motivated by fear?” How is judgment serving you, and what are the ripple effects? Am I assuming best intent? Am I holding on to the past? Am I protecting myself with a story? Often one assumes we need to come to a discussion with a preformed outcome or stance; what would it feel like to approach a discussion with curiosity, no end or conclusion in mind other than to explore an idea and learn?

I spend several hours a day searching for new ways to think, innovate, and serve my clients. I am committed to broadening my perspective and bringing you fresh ideas. With this said, I subscribe to many newsletters from great writers and thinkers. ​This one​ just arrived today from ​Michael Bungay Stanier​. He recounts the complex, humiliating, and challenging work relationships he’s encountered over the years, moments that have stuck with him and have shaped how he now approaches people and situations. As time passes, he can reflect on these events with some emotional detachment and reflect on the part he played, the ownership he assumed, and the other person's responsibility. What was my role to play and contribution to this scenario? In the moment of discomfort, we may become self-critical, defensive, and angry, which is understandable. Emotion leads the charge, and we react rather than respond with clarity. How would this play out differently if we could step back, separate the emotion from the person or conversational content itself, and approach it with detached, curious interest? One of the ways we get sucked into the furry of self-critical blame is to accept the other’s words as TRUTH. We assume because they said it, because of their title, age, and hierarchy, they must be right. Michael and I are here to tell you that is not a fair assumption! It is easy to wither under scrutiny and allow your insecurities to mar your judgment, but I challenge you to step back. Critically ask yourself what part in this is mine to own, what might I learn or ask to improve myself, and then allow others to be who they are. Shirzad Charmine from Positive Intelligence often says, “The other person is always at least 10% right.” That is a good thing to remember. 90% may be inaccurate, but what is the 10% that you can learn from? Ultimately, we are on a quest for wisdom and insight. To develop new skills and deeper relationships. This requires humility but also a strong sense of self-worth. To recognize what is yours to own and what is not. Michael has written a new book on navigating these situations that may be interesting. Here is the​ link​. My Challenge to You: When you find yourself in these situations, take a breath, slow down, and rather than reacting emotionally, shift into detached curiosity and ask, what part of this might be accurate? What is my role to play? Now, ask a clarifying question to drill down on specifics and allow time to reset and subdue your emotions. Partner with someone. Navigating these scenarios on your own is really tough. An outside perspective and a non-emotional sounding board will help separate truth from emotion. Recognize and appreciate that we are all learning. Grant yourself and the other person grace. Typically, behind every difficult relationship or conversation is fear. Can you uncover the fear and speak to that? Since every conversation is a negotiation, I recommend you become familiar with ​Kwame Christian​. He is a negotiation expert with a phenomenal podcast providing tremendous resources. One of my favorite episodes is ​Critical Mistakes to Avoid in Your Negotiations​ with Ron Hogan. Ron reminds us to “Take 100% responsibility and 0% blame.”

Webster defines the “Sweet Spot” as the center of a tennis racket where the ball makes the most effective contact. “The bigger the sweet spot, forgives off-center hits- an optimum point or combination of factors or qualities.” It is where effort matches talent, and a flow is found, requiring less energy and creating more impact. While not effortless, it feels more joyful and powerful and possesses rhythmic power. Imagine matching your inherent talent with an environment and community that gently challenges but simultaneously supports and innovates. Imagine working in a place with no boundaries of title or money. No judgment or competition of others but rather a natural alignment with your skill, collective vision, and growth. Anxiety is lowered when acceptance and diversity are appreciated and your worth has been leveraged and recognized. Is this where you currently exist? If not, what is out of balance? Are you clear about what you want and where you excel, or are you relying upon others’ expectations? Are you standing in your confidence and self-worth? My question to you is, do you deserve this? Is it possible? The answer is “Yes” for both, and to get there may require some internal reflection and recalibration. Many people hold on to the belief that you cannot realize your worth without the title degree or constant ladder climbing. They assume that without stress and pressure, greatness can not be found. I would argue the Sweet Spot is not a destination, it is an alignment of who you are today, a knowing that you are enough. Your misalignment is likely born out of fear. Fear that you don’t deserve success (imposter syndrome), fear that others may judge you if you relish contentment and satisfaction. The push toward advancement is a cloak of distraction. Rather than looking inward and risking vulnerability and calm, we push harder. Finding your Sweet Spot requires humility and bravery since it asks you to admit you may have arrived. You are where you want to be regardless of others’ perceptions. Many C-suite executives suffer from anxiety, depression, high stress, and loneliness. But how could that be? Haven’t they reached the pinnacle of their career? By whose standards? Yes, they have reached the top of the ladder only to find they are nowhere near their Sweet Spot. They are out of alignment and now need continued recognition and ladder climbing to support the life they created- a vicious cycle of anxiety and disappointment. My Challenge to You. This is an exercise to find your Sweet Spot. Creating clarity and connection with your deepest desires will highlight current imbalances. From this point, you can identify areas of focus. Answer these questions: (refrain from judgment or editing!) I feel aligned when I am… When I do X (above) , I feel … What do I assume brings alignment but doesn’t? (Identifies current behaviors that sabotage success) What are the five things I am most afraid of? The intersection between belief, reality, and what you imagine is possible will bring joy. You create your happiness and definition of success. Dare to think beyond the norm and challenge yourself to align with your desires and talents. The choice is yours, and it is here that you will find your Sweet Spot. (WW 6/14, website) Webster defines the “Sweet Spot” as the center of a tennis racket where the ball makes the most effective contact. “The bigger the sweet spot, forgives off-center hits- an optimum point or combination of factors or qualities.” It is where effort matches talent, and a flow is found, requiring less energy and creating more impact. While not effortless, it feels more joyful and powerful and possesses rhythmic power. Imagine matching your inherent talent with an environment and community that gently challenges but simultaneously supports and innovates. Imagine working in a place with no boundaries of title or money. No judgment or competition of others but rather a natural alignment with your skill, collective vision, and growth. Anxiety is lowered when acceptance and diversity are appreciated and your worth has been leveraged and recognized. Is this where you currently exist? If not, what is out of balance? Are you clear about what you want and where you excel, or are you relying upon others’ expectations? Are you standing in your confidence and self-worth? My question to you is, do you deserve this? Is it possible? The answer is “Yes” for both, and to get there may require some internal reflection and recalibration. Many people hold on to the belief that you cannot realize your worth without the title degree or constant ladder climbing. They assume that without stress and pressure, greatness can not be found. I would argue the Sweet Spot is not a destination, it is an alignment of who you are today, a knowing that you are enough. Your misalignment is likely born out of fear. Fear that you don’t deserve success (imposter syndrome), fear that others may judge you if you relish contentment and satisfaction. The push toward advancement is a cloak of distraction. Rather than looking inward and risking vulnerability and calm, we push harder. Finding your Sweet Spot requires humility and bravery since it asks you to admit you may have arrived. You are where you want to be regardless of others’ perceptions. Many C-suite executives suffer from anxiety, depression, high stress, and loneliness. But how could that be? Haven’t they reached the pinnacle of their career? By whose standards? Yes, they have reached the top of the ladder only to find they are nowhere near their Sweet Spot. They are out of alignment and now need continued recognition and ladder climbing to support the life they created- a vicious cycle of anxiety and disappointment. My Challenge to You. This is an exercise to find your Sweet Spot. Creating clarity and connection with your deepest desires will highlight current imbalances. From this point, you can identify areas of focus. Answer these questions: (refrain from judgment or editing!) I feel aligned when I am… When I do X (above) , I feel … What do I assume brings alignment but doesn’t? (Identifies current behaviors that sabotage success) What are the five things I am most afraid of? The intersection between belief, reality, and what you imagine is possible will bring joy. You create your happiness and definition of success. Dare to think beyond the norm and challenge yourself to align with your desires and talents. The choice is yours, and it is here that you will find your Sweet Spot.

I have so much to share with you; I have discovered a lot of new content that has my head spinning, so I will jump right in. Kwame Christian, the host of Negotiate Anything, recently interviewed Giuseppe Conti. I found his insights on “negotiating internally” incredibly insightful. The discussion focused on preparing for and having the most impact when approaching colleagues. Very often, we do not give the same focus and thought into a negotiation with a colleague that we would an external client. But why not? What we do and how we present ourselves will significantly impact your success and reputation. Conti references some key elements to create equality, balance, influence, and impact. Profile the stakeholder: before you meet with your colleague, understand who they are. Do your research. Know the perspective and lens from which they will be seeing your discussion. If they are finance-driven, frame your discussion around the ROI and budget impact. If they are in HR, speak from the standpoint of FTE’s and retention rates. If you present only from your perspective, you will miss an opportunity. Learn how they like to communicate and adjust accordingly. Is there a generational difference or a cultural component that needs to be considered? Prepare for your discussion. Our current culture expects impromptu meetings and preparation at the ready. This will not serve you well. Take the time to prepare your “ask” and know the barriers to success. Anticipate pushback and be ready to present your position thoughtfully. Granting yourself time to reflect, strategize, and consider alternative perspectives will allow you to respond versus react to discussion points. Position yourself as an equal. (This one is subtle yet so powerful, and I have found I have failed at this many times!) To be accommodating and gracious, we might say, “Let me know what time works for you and I will come to your office.” While that is very thoughtful, it also creates an immediate hierarchy and gives the other person the upper hand. You have devalued your own time, and you have become subservient. Ideally, meet at a neutral spot where your eyes are level when seated. Use language that is not apologetic. “Thank you for taking the time. You are so nice to fit me in. I know you are so busy….” All of these, while sincere, create an unequal footing and do not command equal respect rather, they imply that your time is not as valuable as theirs. Your initial meeting should not be about “the sale or ask”; this should be a time to learn about the other person and develop the human side of the relationship. Investing in and taking the time to learn about the person and finding connections will set the foundation for future trust and collaboration. Ensure you leave the meeting with each person having at least one action item. This not only sets the momentum for the next meeting but it also creates equality and buy-in from each person. If you are the only one that comes away with a “to do” that again creates the subtle feeling that you are working for them. Commit to long-term nurturing of the relationship. To some, this comes naturally, and to others, you may need reminders to check in. Either way, it is no less genuine and honest. Connections and influence take time and trust. Follow up on important events, grab monthly coffee or share an article that reminded you of the other person. Continued attention to your developing connection will influence and impact a successful negotiation. I challenge you to look at your vocabulary, how you start emails, and the accommodations you establish. Are these subtleties accurately reflecting your worth? What small changes might you integrate to ensure a successful conversation and representation of your value? I have witnessed so many people selling themselves short, not appreciated for their greatness and thus not realizing their potential. Some of that scenario is our responsibility. You will get what you believe is possible. Show up each day prepared, confident, and in recognition of your value and worth. These are subtle changes to practice but will dramatically influence results. Good stuff, huh?!

I will repeat it. People want four things: To feel acknowledge To be heard To feel valued To be part of something more powerful than themselves Regardless of age or industry, if you can speak to these four things, you will find success, joy, and connection. Feeling acknowledged is a big topic and comes in many forms, but I want to give you the most straightforward suggestion with a tremendous ROI. Acknowledge an email someone sends you. This is definitely a pet peeve of mine. I send an email in response to something, in servie of someone, or as a follow-up and…. get no response. This only leaves me wondering, Did they get it? Did I push “send”?, Did I offend them”…. I am sure they got the email, digested the information, and moved on, but how would I know? A quick” thank you,” “got it,” “on it,” emoji... any of those would be perfect responses. But NOTHING? How do you think that makes the other person feel? Do you think they are eager to reengage and go out of their way to help you next time? Nope. I am worried we have begun to drift away from the human bond that keeps us connected. We move and think at a pace that does not allow time for reflection, fellowship, and acknowledgment. Maybe our culture doesn’t place value upon supporting the foundation of relationships. Everyone I discuss this with agrees on the premise, but not everyone complies. I would argue we all could do better. Take a moment, slow down, and respond from a pure place of service to another. I know you are thinking, “I can’t respond to every email Shandy. Are you crazy?” You can ignore social media blasts, but ignoring personal correspondence is like walking by someone with an outstretched hand. Is this an accurate reflection of who you are? It is time-consuming, maybe 5 minutes each day, but I believe others are worth that time. Take stock of how you feel when someone responds to you. Do you feel good, acknowledged, validated, or appreciated? For you to say you “don’t care.” I don’t believe you. I think if you say you don’t care, it is because if you admit you do care, then you would have to do something different. I hope you have the humility to admit you care but haven’t focused on the impact. I hope you recognize that your leadership and voice carry a weight more significant than you imagine. Human connection and acknowledgment are the foundation of humanity; you deserve this recognition and have the opportunity to give it to others. Many times I receive comments from my Weekly Wisdom. I can not tell you how much it means to me. I instantly smile and appreciate that my work is recognized and the message resonates with someone. These responses are gifts. I challenge you to give gifts throughout the day. It may not mean much to you, but it will mean a lot to others. Thank you!

I was just on a call with Jonathan Raymond and Dave Stachowiak, where they discussed “The Accountability Dial.” This is a tool and framework that holds people accountable without micromanaging. It allows for honest feedback beginning when the stakes are low. Without thoughtful accountability, your leadership and impact will be significantly diminished. So often, we are avoiders, notice behavior or transgressions, yet put off the discussion until resentment, anger, and distrust take over. I acknowledge that many times these conversations feel difficult. Still, the ripple effect is often vast and disproportionate to the pain of an initial discussion. Imagine having the skill and confidence to address these occurrences in real-time. Additionally, you are setting a clear example for other colleagues. Most people want insight, honesty, and transparency, yet, many leaders are unwilling to have difficult conversations in the spirit of supporting growth. It takes a strong and confident individual to invest in the success of another. These conversations are rooted in the belief that your colleague is worthy of more and deserve​s​ a partner who supports growth. If you are brave and committed, here are some tools. There are two skills needed: The first is to separate your emotion from the behavior or topic. Very often, we make a difficult conversation about ourselves, we deny the other person honesty because of how it makes us feel. I urge you to shift your focus to purpose. You are hired to do a job, manage a process, or support an initiative. This is not personal. Without honesty and course correction, success will be dampened, and your team will suffer. The second is Jonathan’s “Accountability Dial”: These are a series of 5 steps that, within the “context of personal caring,” slowly elevate the focus and intensity of the discussion. Avoidance is not your friend here! Start slow and early with gentleness and clarity while moving up the dial of intensity as needed. Real-time feedback and the desire for accountability is a selfless act. We care enough about the success of the other that we are taking the time to address issues when they are small. It is from this perspective that these conversations should be framed. As Jonathan reminds us, “Growth comes from productive discomfort.” We need to be willing to ask not only more from others but also from ourselves. The Mention: You have noticed a slight deviation from the initial agreement; this is a time to quickly and with an open-ended question or statement name the observation. “Sara, I noticed you showed up late for the meeting today, having you there on time is essential.” This statement raises Sara’s awareness and brings attention to her behavior without making it personal. You are supportive and simultaneously brought awareness. The Invitation: This discussion integrates concrete examples and behavior you have observed. You are asking to realign expectations, clarify where the disconnect may occur, and ask for their insight and feedback. This is also a great time to offer support and brainstorm any barriers they are encountering. “Sara, I noticed you showed up late again today, is there something going on that I can support you with?” The Conversation: This is a more focused 1:1 opportunity to discuss and review your previous conversations. You are not only pointing out the continued behavior but now integrating how this impacts other people and their experience and asking them to develop insight into its ripple effect. The repercussions are now coming into play, and the seriousness is increasing. Again, this is all said with kind firm clarity with the intent to support and mentor. “Sara, I am noticing a pattern of you arriving late for meetings, not only is this disruptive, but I am finding the team is losing focus and is having to repeat conversations once you arrive. I want to discuss how we can facilitate your timeliness.” The Boundary: At this point, you need more heat. Acknowledge that although you have had previous discussions, the behavior still resides. It is time to discuss consequences and timelines. Again, ground this ​in service of advancement but also recognize that you and the team will not be successful without change. The cost of this behavior is hurting not only Sara but the team. “Sara, despite previous conversations, you continue to show up late; this is creating consequences that severely impact this team's success. This can not continue to happen. This is difficult to say, but if this happens again, I will take you off this team.” The Limit: This final stage is not only acknowledgment of previous discussions but also an opportunity for the other person to step out gracefully. The role we have asked them to play often differs from their passion or skill. Again, this is not about the person but their ability to fulfill the need. This conversation clearly states that the gig is up without dramatic change or insight! “Sara, your behavior pattern has continued, and I can not support you being on this team any longer. You are a valuable member of our organization, but I will be moving you off this project.” ​Avoiding these conversations in the beginning only buys you time, nothing else. Tensions mount, and then you find yourself at “The Boundary” or “The Limit”​,​ stage. You have given no warnings, support, or mentorship, just a hammer. This strategy is an attack and blindsides the individual. Outstanding leadership is having the courage to discuss concerns when they are small. Please remember you have these difficult conversations because you care deeply about the success and advancement of the other person. You stand in the fire of discomfort in service to another. It is from this perspective that all of these discussions begin.

The last 36 hours were filled with immense joy, overwhelming love, and then a sudden loss that took my breath away. Those emotions reared their head in the most unimaginable ways in a matter of hours. As Studs Terkel asked, “ What is your quintessential truth?” I think I was put on this earth to serve and care. Whether people or animals, I pour my heart in 100%. We received a surprise call about three orphaned raccoons about two weeks old that were found to have fallen on the ground. My husband and I drove downtown to rescue the trio. Immediately I put one on my chest to warm him up, and the other two were wrapped in clean blankets next to a hot water bottle. We surprised the girls with the new arrivals, and all jumped into action. Love led the way, and we hydrated the three, fed them formula from a dropper, wrapped them in our arms, and researched for any new education since our last raccoon, Pico. I was racing to the store and organizing the kitchen like a M.A.S.H. unit. Suddenly, the weakest one took his last breath. Tears and shock overtook us as we poured ourselves into the other two. I woke every 2 hours to feed them and, at midnight, found the second had died. Again, in the darkness and alone, my heart broke as I shifted all my efforts to the last one. I slept on the couch as I wanted him to feel my heartbeat and the warmth of my skin. He snuggled in and slept perfectly, with gentle purrs and random squeaks. We never let him down for the next 24 hours as he regained his strength. He loved the softness of the bathrobe, so we all took turns in the sweltering warmth to keep him comfortable and safe. He was seemingly perfect. I double-checked his bedding, fed him, kept the basket at the perfect temperature, and rechecked every two hours until 6 am this morning…I found had died as well. I lay with him on my chest and sobbed. We all cried together. What had we done to fail them? What had we missed? “Should I have… could I have…” We buried them all together under the beautiful lilac tree, and I made a small rock wall around them. We will not give up, but man, this is hard to recover from. Trying to make sense of tragedy or failure is a difficult task. Even with the best intentions and most concerted effort, sometimes that is not enough. So how do we process this? I try to step back and ask, what if my role was not to “succeed” (raise them into adults and release them) but rather to transition them, to provide something better than they had before I was involved? Maybe the gift is to enter situations without expectation but to serve and strive for better. Maybe our role was to provide injured raccoons love and comfort for a few hours. If that was a “success,” then we succeeded. Who is to define the story? Leadership calls for action and comes with unexpected “failure,” but maybe it is a failure because of our expectation of success. Perhaps the lesson is about knowledge and intention. Continually growing, learning, and giving. Despite the pain, show up again with an open mind and heart. Getting back in the ring and not giving up no matter how hard the fight was. We have raised a raccoon from 3 days old, she was our pride and joy, and while this is a devastating loss, the actual loss would be not to try again. I challenge you to look at failure as an opportunity to reexamine how you see success. Is there only one acceptable outcome, or can you succeed in the small moments? Don’t let pride, fear, or failure get in the way. Keep centered around your truth and intentions, stand in your shoes, and take the hits no matter how difficult; it is those are the moments ​that are a success...

Have you ever wondered what goal you are chasing and if you are in the right race? I have worked with many clients who are struggling with the question, “What’s “next.” They are not dissatisfied with their work but a bit burned out and no longer feel the spark and excitement that drove their enthusiasm in their 20s and 30s. Work feels monotonous and uninspiring. Can you relate? I was inspired to write this after listening to a podcast in which Andy Stanley interviewed Arthur Books. Brooks is a Harvard Business School professor and previous president of the American Enterprise Insititute. Additionally, he is the author of 11 books, podcast host of The Art of Happiness… and the list goes on. So, is it possible to reignite the fire and feel as inspired and valuable as we did in our earlier years…. YES! You just need to be positioned correctly and honor the changes within you. Your value has not diminished, but your focus might need to shift. Brooks breaks down our career life and “intelligence” into two categories that reflect our brains’ physiological changes and peak performance times. Fluid Intelligence in our late 20’s and 30’s- “You are the hot shot.” Crystalized intelligence in our early 40s and beyond.- does not require working memory but rather pattern recognition, good judgment, and wisdom. “You can identify the hotshot.” When you reach 39, research has shown you have reached your peak performance for all major industries. This concept is based on the idea that our brain shifts as we age, not downgrading, just shifting. If we understand this and position ourselves to maximize these new talents, we will feel inspired and excited about our work regardless of our age. Let’s break this down… In our earlier years (the last 20s and into the early 40s), we are hungry for new input, our memory is sharp, and our ability to integrate new ideas and innovate is ripe. We find success in building our skills and capitalizing on raw talent. You had boundless energy and an uncanny ability to soak in multiple inputs simultaneously without dropping the ball. You sustain late nights and busy days without difficulty. As you emerge into your 40s, the waves become calmer, and your ability to see more broadly, integrate ideas, draw from past experiences, and identify trends becomes your superpower. Wisdom allows you to recognize and understand that there are multiple approaches to the same problem. You can articulate, integrate, and lead on a broader scale. This is a new talent that deserves recognition. You no longer react but rather respond with a calm, clear-headed innovative confidence that unites thought, and creates deep, sustainable change. So why do so many seasoned professionals struggle or experience a “mid-life crisis?” I would venture to guess it is around expectations. We are yearning for the “old days”, the excitement and rapid fire of ideas that lead to our success, if that changes, then we may question our value and worth. The key is recognizing and honoring these changes without judgment and positioning ourselves where we are most aligned. Reimagining the definition of “achievement.” Your mindset of what you labeled as “success” and worthiness is being challenged. You will be disappointed if you believe there is only one way to act and approach the world. I challenge you to, without judgment, allow your wisdom to lead. If you think about our great leaders, they are not 35 years old. They have garnered years of insight and intellectual learning, allowing it to “bake.” Marinading and “crystalizing” thoughts, experiences, tools, and relationships together to form overarching wisdom and knowledge. I think back to when I first became a healthcare clinician, I was well aware of how much I didn’t know about medicine. For years after my formalized schooling, I would have textbooks by my bedside, reading about disease states at the coffee shop, intensely researching every disease and skin condition I encountered. I listened to other providers dictate their notes so I could look up anything new and learn from their wisdom. I spent hours and hours ingesting knowledge. It wasn’t until about 10-15 years into my practice that I began lifting my head, relaxing my shoulders, and settling into my comfort zone. I now don’t react to clinical emergencies with frenzy, I can feel a calm come over me as I weave a web of knowledge and ideas more broadly than the presenting problem. Integrating past scenarios, thinking holistically instead of problematically. It is this approach that develops with time and thousands of repetitions. For that, I am proud. Yes, many of the adrenaline moments are gone, but in its place is a calm confidence. A quietness of knowing that comes with age. After 22 years of clinical practice, I have shifted and now coach others, teaching what I wish I had learned to support the growth of the next generation of leaders. The excitement I feel watching others rise is equally as exciting as managing a trauma, but this time, I am not elbow-deep in blood! My Challenge to You: Are you chasing the same rush you felt in your thirties? If so, what are you avoiding or not capitalizing on? How might you use your experience and insight to create a legacy?