Leading By What Matters Most

Leading to Their Language: Translating the 5 Love Languages

Surprise me by feeding my animals and cleaning the pastures, and you’ll have my heart forever!

My appreciation (love) language is Acts of Service. Knowing this is like having the CliffsNotes to our connection.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages—Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts—offers a simple but powerful truth: when we understand what brings us joy and connection, and learn what speaks appreciation to others, we build deeper, more authentic relationships. We stop guessing and start giving in ways that bring genuine meaning.

Asking the question and being mindful of what others need isn’t just kindness—it’s the ultimate shortcut to connection.

So what does this have to do with leadership? Everything.

I often say, “If you’re not mindful, you’ll lead the way you like to be led—not necessarily the way someone else needs.”

If your colleague thrives on Words of Affirmation but you light up through Gifts, your thoughtful coffee run may not land as powerfully as simply saying, “Your presentation last week was phenomenal, thank you for all of the great work.” Your intention is spot on but you’re speaking different languages—and wondering why there’s misalignment.

Great leadership begins when we stop assuming what motivates others and start learning how they feel seen, valued, and understood. Knowing your own language—and learning others’—is the key to deeper connection, loyalty, and commitment.

Here’s how those love languages translate in a leadership context: 

Words of Affirmation: Publicly or privately acknowledge great work. Write a handwritten note that highlights a specific contribution.

Quality Time: Schedule one-on-one time, make yourself available for check-ins, and engage in meaningful conversations that deepen connection.

Physical Touch: While physical touch isn’t appropriate in professional settings, your physical presence still matters. Offer a firm handshake, maintain eye contact, and use open, warm body language.

Acts of Service: In the workplace, this looks like partnership—sharing the load, helping with problem-solving, or advocating on someone’s behalf.

Receiving Gifts: Thoughtful gestures matter—an unexpected coffee, a gift card, or recognition through an opportunity like a workshop or conference.

Deepening connection is a two-way street. It’s not enough to know your own language of appreciation—you also need to invest in learning others’. Start the dialogue. Share what motivates you and ask your colleagues what makes them feel valued.

Imagine the time and energy you could save—and the impact you could have—if you simply knew what each person needed to feel recognized. Sometimes the biggest leadership win starts with the smallest question.

My Challenge for You:

• Articulate your appreciation language and share that with someone.

• Ask your partner or a colleague what form of appreciation means the most to them.

• Commit to integrating one new approach each week for the next month.