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This is not how I prepare to go out to dinner or see a client, but it is what happens when I give my daughter my face for Halloween! “Do what you want. I support anything you can dream up!” I am the mother of two teenage girls. My leadership expertise comes in handy much of the time. For any of you with girls, you may relate - makeup and fashion are front and center. I love watching them create outfits, navigating the balance between the “popular looks'' and adding their creative flair. I make a point of rarely interjecting unless belly buttons are showing! With this new talent invariably comes the realization that their mom is not staying on trend. They use my face as a canvas, subtly enhancing and brightening to bring out the best features while minimizing others. I see the joy and excitement as I sit down with a clean face, giving them full carte blanche to create to their heart's content. Why do I do this? Not because I want a new face of makeup, but because it brings them immense joy. It is that simple. My job is to get out of the way, ask questions, show curiosity, and encourage their exploration. How does this relate to leadership? Well, sometimes you have to let go and allow others permission to explore their ideas, expand their talent, and use the team as a canvas for innovation and creativity. You are leading by being the very subject of their discovery. Allow for mistakes and push the boundaries of creative thought. Find moments when the stakes are low (like my face) and let go. Ask the team to guide you and just receive what’s delivered. No debates, no guardrails, just “yes.” Curiosity of all that is unsaid is poised to be revealed. Why is this difficult? The need to control the narrative and timeline: While it is tempting to convince, persuade, or dictate in hopes of efficiency, what you sacrifice is trust and long-term solutions. I stress the word, “long-term” because leadership requires a commitment to the long game. Shortsightedness brings momentary relief, however, it has drawbacks: Your team will begin to disconnect since they know you will invariably do what YOU want regardless of their perspective. Innovation is stifled as new ideas go unrecognized. You’re leading from a place of ego and not in service to your team, which is palpable and demoralizing to others. You will create a team of followers and not creative thinkers. Your team will not feel acknowledged, heard, valued, or part of something bigger (the four pillars that every person desires). As a leader, a common misconception is that you are “expected” to have all the answers. The truth is that as leaders develop confidence, they quickly realize that “leaning into their own “not-knowing” allows them to maintain their credibility and increase their leadership effectiveness.” This Forbes article notes that there are four specific dangers associated with assuming that you know it all. Seems logical. So why does this feel counterintuitive? Most people are so concerned with “what might happen” or the fear of not having control that they avoid the situation at all costs. The thought of letting go and trusting the team feels daunting and unpredictable. The question is: What do you value more - your team or your own comfort? Strategies to implement: Pose a problem to the team without having a solution. Then, sit back and listen to their ideas. This allows for curiosity and conversations that are void of judgment. Discuss this new approach with your team and the hesitation you are feeling. Humanize your leadership. Create boundaries: Clarify the non-negotiables (time, money, resources, etc.) from here and then open up the discussion. Creating guardrails will allow for structured creativity. Proactive thinking and planning: Prepare for the “worst case scenario” and have a plan in place should that occur. Oftentimes, it is the unexpected we fear most. Share YOUR thoughts last. (Simon Sinek - Leaders Eat Last) You are persuasive and hold power. Sharing your ideas first will limit others from expressing opposing views or wild creativity. Speak last or better yet, just listen. Our ultimate job, as a leader, is to gather great talent, strategize the higher vision, and orchestrate the wisdom in the room.

Albert Einstein once said, “The leader is one who, out of the clutter, brings simplicity... out of discord, harmony... and out of difficulty, opportunity.” Balancing the technical with the strategy and empathy. A common challenge for leaders is developing the skill of balance. Staying deeply connected with the work and the people, yet having enough distance to appreciate and see opportunities, leverage organizational strategy, and orchestrate the talent around you. This dance requires continually zooming in and out, attending to details while also empowering others to find solutions and experience failures. As you move up in the organization, attending to the details (which lead you to this position) is no longer the primary expectation. Your genius lies in broader thinking and an ability to see what others can not. A great article in ScienceDirect, titled, Balancing Leadership in Projects: Role of the socio-cognitive Space introduces the contemporary theory of “balanced leadership.” This refers to the idea that “leadership is not static but shifts in situational contingency to the best possible leader at any point in time.” This is the leadership dance; creating fluidity in your perspective, focus, and support. A seamless give and take. This article exposes the intricacies between how “shared and distributed leadership emerged as complements to vertical or positional leadership.”  Giving yourself permission to integrate many forms of oversight, depending upon the team, talent, and need. This is the art of leadership. A question for you: “Why is this so hard?” Why is it hard to let go (link to another Weekly Wisdom that covers this question) and surrender to the voice and expertise of another? Why do we hold on so tightly? Delegation is complex: Perceived value: We attribute self-worth to external factors (completion of a project, a degree, a title, or platitudes) rather than finding fulfillment within the work itself and knowing that your value is not linked to external validation. This perspective is reiterated by Shirzad Charmine in Positive Intelligence and the saboteur of HyperAchiever. If this resonates, you make it difficult to delegate work and grant “success” to others. Trust: Without foundational trust, delegation doesn’t feel comfortable or safe. Often, we don’t have the right people on the team, we question their skill, and instead of addressing the real issue, we create work-arounds and withhold delegation. This puts us in the weeds of “doing” rather than orchestrating. This research article titled Trust and Delegation: Theory and Evidence notes: “A high-trust society can organize its workplace on a more flexible and group-oriented basis, with more responsibility delegated to lower levels of the organization. Low-trust societies, by contrast, must fence in and isolate their workers with a series of bureaucratic rules.” Failure: The fear of failure is so paralyzing that relegating control would only increase the likelihood of a mishap, therefore “I must be involved.” This HBR article speaks to Failure Tolerant Leaders and how celebrating and seeking failure leads to better outcomes. Ed Catmull of Pixar said: “Mistakes aren’t a necessary evil. They aren’t evil at all. They are an inevitable consequence of doing something new (and, as such, should be seen as valuable; without them, we’d have no originality).” Quality: The “Nobody can do it as well as me”, delegating equates to lowering standards. This idea is also called “self-enhancement bias.” You believe that your way is the right way and that ultimate success is within you. This position underestimates the skill and value of others and frankly, is false. Others may do it differently but most often there are many roads which lead to success. My Challenge to You: Take inventory: Have you found balance and can easily navigate the detail work with the need for strategic leadership? Without emotion, deliberately look at your time and where it is spent. What are two or three things that you could shift to another person which then allows you to work more efficiently, provide more value, and derive more happiness? Look at the four pillars above. Which resonates as the greatest barrier to your team’s success? What small changes might you integrate now that you are mindful of the pitfalls? Openly discuss these ideas with your team. We are all susceptible to falling victim to these perils. Openly discussing these ideas and normalizing this thinking will create team cohesion, accountability, and the beginning of a shift in the balance.

A tagline for my website is, “The Power of Possibility”.  I intend to help others identify and pull out the untapped potential in themselves and others.   This requires the inherent belief that we are capable of far more than we put out to the world or what we can see within ourselves. We have all been in this situation with our team, colleagues, or children.  You recognize the invisible brakes that are holding back success.  From YOUR perspective, there is a greater potential, and feel compelled to encourage its growth. Recognize the beauty of your unique gift to see and imagine the possible.   Simultaneously, protect yourself, since not everyone is ready to step beyond their reality to capture excellence. Thus the challenge. Coupled with supporting unseen possibilities is also the skill to know when to stop and simply accept what is.  This is one of the hardest things to do. Some people or companies are not ready for your expansive vision. I recently talked with a client about his company’s cultural dysfunction. From his perspective, it seems obvious.  There is a lack of accountability, civility, and clarity of roles and responsibilities.  As he separates himself from the emotion it is clear, that the success of the company would catapult with focused coaching and refined leadership yet, despite the agreement, he encounters inaction. This is not uncommon!  What seems like an obvious “fix” and would capture incredible ROI is met with hesitation or excuses.  It’s like seeing an Olympic athlete walk away with indifference and relinquish the opportunity to affect the trajectory of their sport.  You find yourself silently screaming “No”, “If only you would…” It’s an interesting dilemma.  When do you let your foot off the gas despite the opportunities that are so clear but hidden or not prioritized by others? A few thoughts that may help: Clarify your intention.  What is driving the need for change? Is it to move your agenda or to be of service to others (the organization)? If others see change as self-serving they will not be motivated.  They need to see how the investment in change will serve them. The truth is, we can inspire and influence others, but we can not change who they are or want to be. Is this perspective a shared goal?  Some are content with what you may perceive as mediocrity. Others feel paralyzed with the “how” to move the needle and therefore avoid the opportunity. Try separating the emotion from the tactical process.  It is the simultaneous convergence of these two that detracts from clear thinking.  Extracting emotion allows you to think strategically without judgment or ego. Get curious.  If the disconnect seems obvious, become curious as to what you may not know.  Given that most people want to achieve great success, there may be a hidden reason.  Many times there are complicated dynamics at play of which you are not aware. Hone the valuable skill of balancing by inspiring, challenging, and allowing others to discover their genius. Let it go.  (this is the hard part)  Once you understand the nuances, the decision is back in your court.  What part do you want to play in this dynamic? It is important to realize that at this point it is a choice, it may not be easy but it is ultimately a choice.  Can you, without judgment or resentment, find a place within the current state of affairs or, is it time for you to refocus elsewhere? As Ray Dalio says “Pain+Reflection=Progress”- the choice to speak up and be part of change is difficult.  Within the difficulty is a choice. Influence and impact what falls within your control.  As Andy Stanley notes in this episode titled: How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge, “How should I lead with the opportunity I have?” Ground your assumptions and perspective in truth and then make a choice. Negativity, resentment, and anger result when we feel “at the effect of” something or someone.  It is the loss of control that is painful and anxiety-producing. Finally, speaking your truth as to what you perceive as an untapped opportunity is a skill in itself.  This is a great episode that speaks directly to finding your voice and not playing victim to your circumstances. Truth is a choice. Creating choice, however difficult, helps to reclaim autonomy and changes the dynamics, mindset, and expectations.

As Andy Stanley reminds us, the one constant in every encounter, barrier, and relationship is you. How you approach, perceive, internalize, and respond will determine the quality of your life. It is interesting to notice the need, and instinct, to find blame. To lessen the feeling of failure by sharing it with, or directing it to, another. Think about the last disagreement, disappointment, or challenge you had. What was your very first thought? Most likely something like: “What were THEY thinking?”, “How could SHE let that happen?”, “What is wrong with HIM?” “One would assume…” We have an inherent need to protect ourselves, which is normal, but if we dwell in that space excessively, it becomes toxic, counterproductive, and demoralizing. Quickly, the project becomes secondary and our energy is spent judging and blaming instead of empathizing, strategizing, and supporting others. This behavior is rooted in status-seeking, insecurity, and fear, which leads to stagnant complacency and team dysfunction. Blame relinquishes control to the other person, robbing us of our autonomy and free will to create, or recreate, a future that brings success, happiness, and transformation. While evading responsibility may feel preferable at the moment, it does have detrimental effects on the culture of your organization. Many years ago I was taught the phrase, “managing up,” which in this context refers to trust and cohesion. It speaks to the desire to resist undermining managers to save face. Don’t blame the administration for a bad outcome, but rather take personal responsibility and elicit and promote the belief that everyone is working towards the same goal, despite occasional mistakes. Learn the strategies of others in an attempt to align with their goals and assume best intent. Move away from, “Yes, I agree that was a ridiculous mandate from admin. Of course, this project failed, they have no idea what we do here.” Move towards, “I recognize your concerns and I am disappointed with the results, but I trust our admin team and I am sure this decision was much more complicated than we appreciate. I also believe our team has the resources and wisdom to change course and find success.” As this Forbes article so beautifully notes, “Innocence feels good. It saves face and avoids guilt. But there's a dark side to this kind of innocence: If you embrace victimhood, then you must also embrace powerlessness.” Deflecting responsibility is not great leadership. It is solely about self-preservation and ego. When given the responsibility to lead, it means that you avoid being tempted by the easy way out, opting instead for shedding light on ways to redirect energy to what can be controlled, and what part you and your team can play in the pursuit of success. Spend your energy creating positive change and not on finding ways to blame others. Be mindful of your proclivity to want to blame others or a circumstance instead of using it as information that leverages your talents and unique insights to shift course. Your talent lies in strategizing, prioritizing, and big-picture thinking. While there will always be surprises and barriers, that is what makes leadership fun. Don’t be shocked or disappointed, become curious and inspired to take on the challenge. Leadership isn’t about you. It is about your ability to see the possibility that others can not and lead your team to a more positive future. My Challenge to You: Bring awareness as to where blame shows up. Simply creating consciousness around these moments will, in itself, shift your mindset. Before reacting, either mentally or verbally, pause and ask yourself, “Am I deflecting responsibility or managing up?” If everyone responded the way you do, would your company be better off?

When I was 30 years old, I bought my first house. I worked multiple jobs, put myself through graduate school, packed my things, and moved West to start a new life. I was single, educated, and ready to take on the world. As you may know, your first home is memorable and signifies independence, accomplishment, and the belief that you are ready to conquer the world (at least it did for me). The first thing that I did was paint my front door with a mantra that kept me centered and focused. It served me well. Twenty years later, I sold the house and had to paint over the door. My wonderful realtor had an artist capture the affirmation that you see above. Sometimes, you need to be reminded of your potential, of your grit and resilience. It is easy to forget what fires us up, what keeps us engaged and passionate. As time goes by, we become distracted by obligations and responsibilities, finding ourselves further and further away from our dreams. Good coaching is about asking the right questions. Seeing beyond the spoken word and listening to what is not being said. From there, ask a question that gets to the heart of the challenge. Surprisingly, I have found the hardest question to answer for many is: If you could do ANYTHING, with no restrictions, what would you do that reflects who you really are? Most of the time this question stops people in their tracks. I am met with tears, silence, and curiosity as to why they have absolutely no idea as to how to answer that. Why is that question so challenging? ​ We have lost the invitation to dream. To believe that who you are and the gifts that you give are of value and worthy of exploring. Instead, we create a life that is “good enough.” It pays the bills and brings occasional challenges and excitement, but if you are honest, it really does not fill your soul.​ Why are we so quick to surrender to a person or a job? Why have you allowed others to take your power and ability to dream? ​Who is making you the project of their life? Who has asked or allowed you to relinquish your personhood for the good of another? Are you aware you have done that? Are you aware of the stories that have now become unspoken words, and even mantras? Many people have found themselves so far away from what fuels them that they have forgotten the very premise of joy and the hunger for an exciting challenge. I have found that people surrender for two reasons: They are going through the motions, numb to the greater experience, and unconscious as to where their life has led them. They have not allowed themselves the option to dream, since they do not believe it is possible to be both happy and successful. They believe it is one or the other, but not both. Success and happiness are a mindset, a journey. Not a destination. Full engagement requires intentionality. My question to you is: Are you willing to sacrifice either success or happiness and later find out you could have had both? Would you feel regret if you learned later on that you could have both? If the answer is “no,” then carry on. If the answer is “yes,” choose to invest in yourself, even if you don’t know the answer as to “how” to get there. Time and time again, I have encountered people who become paralyzed into inaction because they don’t know “how” to do something, so they abort the mission altogether. The only difference between people who are both successful and have attained great happiness is they never stopped believing that they were worthy of greatness. The lack of “knowing” did not stop them. They pushed through, asked more questions, risked vulnerability, and partnered with others. They were determined to experience something only a few do. They believed they were worth it. The only difference between them and you is mindset. My Challenge to You: Take the time to answer the question, “If you could do anything, with no restrictions, what would you do?” You will be tempted to edit your answer because of stories you will tell yourself: “It is not realistic, I don’t have the resources for that, I am too old, I am not smart enough… ” The list goes on and on. Stop yourself and dream anyway. Write it down. Now, what are you willing to do to make it happen? Remember, “If you want something different, you need to do something different.” Great leadership starts with self-leadership. It is you who will pave the way for change and greatness. Take one small step each day, or week, towards your goal. Believe in yourself and all that you have to give. You are worthy of greatness. I have helped many people shift their mindset and create a life in which their skills, inherent talents, and happiness are aligned. If you are ready, let me know. Believe me, anything is possible - you just need to want it more than your fear of failure will allow.

Often, we connect the success of an idea with our self-worth and value. We assume as a leader, we are expected to be an expert at everything and that all roads lead to us. As Andy Stanley so beautifully puts it, “Don’t confuse authority with competency.” Great leadership is about feeling confident as to knowing when to delegate your responsibilities, and when to double down on what only you can do. Recognize your superpower and do it well. It is your responsibility to highlight the brilliance in others and allow them to shine by getting out of their way! Capitalizing on the ideas and skills of your team is not an indication of failure. It is quite the opposite. Nurturing the ideas, creativity, and action of others is exactly the role of the leader. Doing it all yourself only limits opportunities, creating an autocracy. “Your goal is not to become a well-rounded leader where you are good at everything. It is to build a great organization that reflects your strengths, but does not reflect your weaknesses.” Andy Stanley Stanley goes on to explain that your “fully exploited strength is a far greater value to the organization than your marginally enhanced weakness.” This leads us to the idea of “depersonalizing” and focusing on solving the problem at hand rather than making yourself the center of discussion. It is a balance between guiding a vision, capitalizing on your team and leveraging your expertise. Practicing this skill requires humility. For example, many see unacknowledged ideas as personal failures. We subtly (and often unconsciously) shift the focus to defending ourselves, and our perspective, rather than focusing on the challenge itself. You have entangled self-worth with the problem, they are two separate things. Have you ever double downed on an idea and fought hard for its approval, only to find it was self-serving and did not support the company’s objective? Our thinking begins to narrow and we inadvertently alienate others to control the narrative. We have begun defending ourselves vs. the idea. If, in a discussion, you ever feel the need to defend your idea, or have no sense of curiosity, it is a great sign that your ego has taken hold of the conversation. You have made it about “winning” and proving your worth rather than collaborating with others and opening yourself up to innovative ideas. Confirmation bias will creep in, allowing you to only see what supports your view. Again, this in no way serves your company - only you. A few tricks to help with avoiding temptation, and staying focused on what matters: A personal favorite: Acknowledge to yourself, and others, that focusing on the “problem” and not the people is the goal. Take a physical object (water bottle, plant, book) and place it in the middle of the table. This “object” represents the problem and all comments should be focused on that object and not the people in the room. As soon as it gets personal, stop the conversation and redirect to the object. As the leader, speak last. Ask for everyone’s input before giving yours. Simon Sinek has a quick video, driving this point home. Your title, and assumed power, will deafen other people's ideas. Self-awareness brings out the best in others and drives innovation and collaboration. Implement the “debias strategy” session (outlined by McKinsey), which not only lessens bias but also integrates a decision-making strategy that incorporates research and data. Ask everyone to research and argue the opposing view. This is a great way to develop empathy and broaden siloed thinking. Socialize “failure.” The fear of failure is so prevalent that it controls the narrative. Lead discussions that remove any judgment and celebrate vulnerability. Give a prize for the “worst idea.” By normalizing “failure,” you encourage creativity and company-centered innovation. My Challenge To You: Take inventory as to what tasks and projects you, and others, are involved in.  Can you speak to why each person is in the room, and why only they can perform this role? The goal is to capitalize on natural strengths and allow others to rise. Create awareness of how you present and defend ideas. Is it in service to you or the organization?

We all have been through a shuffling of titles. Some of us more times than others. As the organization “restructures,” either in response to strategy or merger, the people affected are oftentimes ill-prepared and left feeling lost. Many times, the act of restructuring is a culture killer and morale tanker. I see many people struggle to “survive” the reorg. They aren’t worried about their job, per se, but they are utterly confused, often asking, “What’s next?” and “Where should I focus my efforts?” After several rounds of restructuring, people begin to give up. Their allegiance and trust, in both work and relationships, halts and complacency ensues. So, how do you stay engaged when every 6-12 months your leader moves on, taking with them your support and institutional knowledge? Leaders are so often forward-focused (with good intentions) and easily miss the ripple effects before them, allowing for damage to their own innovation. Outside Angle has written a great summary piece that highlights missteps and guides you toward success. I remember becoming numb to “new job announcements” and no longer viewing leadership as a structure of support, but rather as a ladder to be climbed. Titles were simply temporary rungs to bear weight for the next step. A great reorganization, if done well, should invigorate the organization, bringing excitement and energy to EVERYONE involved. Reorganization should create clarity, like that last piece of the puzzle that fits perfectly into place. Fatal flaws: Making assumptions and the pace of change. Making assumptions: With these two elements playing such a major role, it’s the shifting of titles and the underlying vision that so often remains clear to leadership, yet leaves the team in the dark. When people are unaware of the larger strategic goals, or skill gaps, any re-shifting feels unfounded and creates fear. UC Berkeley's HR department has a great article that outlines ideas to consider to prevent resistance. Not surprisingly, communication is the key. Communication that happens before, during, and after any reorg is absolutely critical. By over-communicating the “why” and socializing the future, you are reassuring your team that any impending changes will be in place to support everyone’s growth, thereby creating opportunities for future success. The pace of Change: Move fast enough to show confidence and clarity but slow enough to allow for the transfer of trust and knowledge. Allow time for projects to be thoughtfully handed over, and resist the urge to put things “on hold” while the details are figured out. Similar to merging into traffic, put on your indicator, watch for potential danger, adjust your cadence, and then merge into the flow. But be careful, so as not to create a traffic jam or, God forbid, an accident! Artful reorganization is a dance, a methodical move with purpose, pace, communication, and trust. Create a timeline. Long, drawn-out change is very difficult to navigate. Uncertainty is a culture killer and an anxiety producer. Clarity as to what people can expect, when they can expect it, and how it will affect them is what ultimately silences the stories and creates positivity and focus. Multiple shifts in jobs and titles can send the wrong message. Adjusting roles and responsibilities is strategic, and is often done in response to a desire to create a future vision for success, right?  Make sure that’s the experience received. Continual shifting can send a problematic message that there is no clear direction, that decisions are being made on a whim, and that you don’t have a clear foundational plan for success. That’s when trust can be lost quickly and loyalty can wane. My Challenge to You: Reorganize with intention and clarity. Don’t rush the process and keep communication at the forefront. Strategic moves call for transparency and a need to be rooted in what your vision of success will look like.  Map out the communication pathway and timeline. Stress the “why” to ALL employees. The impact of your decisions is far-reaching. Each decision is being watched and evaluated from a place of scarcity. Employees are always wondering, “Is my job in jeopardy?” “Is the future of this company secure?” “What is going on that I don’t know?” It is these questions that will quickly erode the culture and positivity.  Anticipate these questions and proactively address them honestly.

We all know those people who can begin a conversation with anyone and create a connection in a matter of moments. They seem to garner information and relationships that you might only hope to achieve over a matter of months. Those people are “supercommunicators.” So what is it that they do, or say, that turns the tide, and does it matter? As Charles Duhigg explores in his new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, he reminds us that while some people inherently have this trait, everyone else can learn the skill. Becoming a supercommunicator requires a set of tools that, if used consistently, will create deeper connections and more thoughtful conversations. The premise is set in the desire to understand others more deeply, and a genuine curiosity to know and explore people in a way that builds a connection. It is often less about the outcome and more about creating an experience. One of the first steps is asking questions, Duhigg estimates that the supercommunicator asks 10-20 times more questions than the average person. Some tools to consider: Ask “deep” questions: In the spirit of getting to know someone, or something more deeply, ask a question that doesn’t require a “yes” or “no” response. “You said that you are a veterinarian, so what was it that got you interested in this career?” Here, you are thoughtfully inviting the other person to expose another side of themselves, which most people don’t take the time to do. “Looping for understanding”: This technique is taught at some of the top universities. It is a technique that slows you down to make sure that what you hear is accurately reflecting what the speaker is saying and thinking. Ask a question Repeat back, in your own words, “What it sounds like is… ” Ask if you understood correctly. “Did I capture that correctly?” Listen: Listen with the intent to hear the nuances of the words, tone, and choice of vocabulary. All of these techniques not only allow for a more substantial dialogue but also create the feeling of reciprocity and deep caring for the other person and their story. It can be tempting to want to have a conversation that yields a clear end or outcome. It is a lot harder to stay present, focusing only on the words being spoken. Untethered by expectation or assumption, and unknowing as to where the conversation may lead. To many, this is anxiety-provoking, since it requires comfort with unpredictability. There is a skill to staying present in a conversation, allowing yourself to be released from any expectation that may come as a result of the exchange. Redirecting your mind to appreciate another person’s words with such sharp focus that you become open to new ideas and discoveries. With all of this said, there is a time and place. Not everyone is interested in having a deep conversation. So how do you figure out who is interested in diving deeper? Watch for clues: It takes two to tango. If you are genuinely curious, begin by asking a deeper question and then watch their reaction. If you get a short, superficial answer, then that will tell you that the other person does not want to, or that they may be uncomfortable with going deeper. That is your sign to stop. Wade into the waters: Begin with open-ended, not too personal, questions, and then slowly invite examples or specifics to their story. Communication is an intricate dance that requires two respectful participants, willing to engage. You can only go as deep as the person with the lowest threshold of trust/ interest is willing. It is important to respect that boundary and read the signs of discomfort. I find that asking people about their tattoos can be a great topic for starting a conversation. If they have a tattoo, it must hold some sentimental value, or at least have a good story, given its permanence. “I noticed your tattoo, what beautiful colors.” - Superficial “Does the eagle hold significant meaning for you?” - Deeper “I had a very similar experience.” - Share your story“I appreciate you sharing that with me.” - Make a connection True story: I was working in urgent care and was evaluating a patient for pneumonia. She seemed nervous, so I began asking her about her back tattoo, which wrapped around her arm and down her wrist. At the end of the discussion, she didn’t have pneumonia, but she shared a full 101 tutorial on S&M and bondage! Wow! See? You never know where a bit of genuine curiosity will get you! Our bodies are designed and seek to connect and find symmetry with others. Research shows that when you engage in deep and meaningful conversation you physiologically begin to sync with each other. Pupils begin to dilate at the same rate, and your breath and heart rate begin to take on the same cadence.  Almost as if a dance has begun and our neural pathways are aligned to the same music, this is known as neural entrainment. (fascinating research) Why does this matter? Certainly, it is nice to feel heard and have others genuinely interested in you. It also creates change on a larger scale. Supercommunicators build trust, loyalty, and connection, which fuels innovation, collaboration, and higher levels of organizational success. My Challenge to You: If this does not come naturally to you, challenge yourself to step outside of your comfort zone. Pick a person and hold a conversation a bit longer by asking one more question without an intended outcome. Allow for “conversational time” in your day. We have become very rigid and transactional with our time. Grant yourself opportunities to learn something new about someone you have known for a while. Here is a great interview with Charles Duhigg, explaining not only the skill but also the science behind being a supercommunicator. Another great book that dives deeply into the power of communication and connection is, How to Know a Person by David Brooks.

How do we get out of the rat race, allowing ourselves to slow down to connect with the work and the people that feed our souls and drive our purpose? Many times, the floor needs to drop for you to wake up. Let me introduce you to the “Queen of Pain.” Rebecca Rusch is a 7-time cycling world champion with an unstoppable drive towards excellence. She spent most of her life in pursuit of a win. Breaking records and pushing her body to the extreme. In 2017, she began a new adventure; to discover the circumstances and clues around her father’s death 40 years earlier. As a US Air Force Pilot, he was shot down along the Ho Chi Minh trail in the Vietnam War. Rebecca, and a small crew, set out on the 1,200 mile/16,000 km trail to document (Blood Road) the search for the crash site in Laos. During the interview on Choose the Hard Way, Rusch acknowledges her unexpected discovery of what was behind her drive to success, and how time on the trail changed her perspective. She notes that the physical part of the journey was not what was hardest,  but rather recognizing the suppressed vulnerability, letting go of control, and allowing herself to be emotional. You have heard it before: “It is lonely at the top.” This is a beautiful example of just that. Rebecca’s situation begs the question: “What is success, and how does it connect with your purpose?” Not your job, your purpose. A job is the avenue through which you express your purpose. Often the job takes the reins, causing you to become so disconnected that you no longer feel inspired or grounded. With intention and introspection, you can realign work to fulfill your purpose. Rebecca remembers one gruesome instance in the high mountains of Nepal: Her body was giving out, her reserves were spent, and she thought she might not be able to continue. In that moment what helped was not “fighting harder” and “pushing through.” Instead, it was her teammate saying, “It is ok if you need to stop. I will stay with you. I’ve got your back.” She recalls the moment she leaned into vulnerability and allowed others to hold her at a time when she had nothing left to give or control. It wasn’t until she was physically spent that she was able to explore and develop the skill of becoming vulnerable. From this experience, she developed a new appreciation of, and connectedness to, her team. No matter your industry, as a leader you have been programmed to drive hard, to work longer, and to push through. I would ask, “What is the cost,t and at what point might it be beneficial to do the opposite?” To ask more questions rather than give answers. To listen more and talk less. To lead your team by being present and curious vs. driving harder for the next big accomplishment. Balancing quiet reflection with a drive to innovate. A dance of two opposites which, if done well, creates strength, focus, and steady advancement. The road to achieving “more” is not always sustainable, and most likely is not aligned with what you ultimately value. What are you prepared to do differently to flip the switch?

I previously introduced the idea of giving to others so generously that your brand and reputation are fueled by joy and engagement. This topic was spurred by Will Guidara and his book Unreasonable Hospitality. (A must-read if you care about blowing the minds of your customers!) As promised, I want to discuss the ROI of “Unreasonable Hospitality.” I spent a lot of time researching the topic, and then found myself lying awake at night, thinking… “There is something wrong about why I am feeling the need to justify the ROI of generosity.” Do we smile at our neighbors so that they will feed our cats when we go away? Do we open the door for another, or buy a stranger coffee, because we intend to pitch them a sales line? No, these acts of kindness, or generosity, are founded in the human desire to connect and give with no expectation of return. We do it because it makes us feel good and is in service to another. It is this quality that makes us human, creating a sense of belonging and community. Yet… There is a business upside. Create a team culture of engagement, retention, and empowerment. Promote a company reputation of service and excellence. Word-of-mouth marketing is free: Customers who share your stories of hospitality are your best marketers. “92% of consumers trust recommendations from friends and family over all forms of advertising.” Nielsen study 9/10 Millennials are drawn to working with and buying from, purpose-driven brands and companies that are equally focused on social impact and profit. How do you do this? Guidara breaks down the “95/5 rule”: meticulously monitor, account for, and manage 95% of your company’s expenses. Become lean and focused. The last 5% is left for “foolish” giving. Creating experiences, shocking customers, and delighting your team. This is foolish spending with a controlled narrative - smart and crazy, all at the same time! Success requires developing a mindset, and seeing through the lens of surprising generosity. How can I elevate this experience? What would bring an unexpected smile? How can I outperform expectations? In reflection, Guidara says, “... make the people we worked with and the people we served feel seen and heard: to give them a sense of belonging and to create an environment where they could connect with others.” Developing ideas: Give how you would like to receive - in crafting these exceptional experiences, reverse engineer the process. As a client, patient, or customer, what do YOU want to feel and experience? Put yourself in the other’s shoes and imagine what “delight” would look or feel like. This is the “problem” you are solving. Now, brainstorm the Solution… If your answer is value, surprise with a service or product priced at wholesale or provide a free upgrade. How would you feel if your hotel upgraded you without asking? Would you tell someone else? If the answer is appreciation, send a handwritten note, a custom gift, or a shout-out on social media. I have kept handwritten notes that I received over 20 years ago, and this is also what Jack Welch attributed much of his success to. If the answer is a connection, make a point to remember small details: birthdays, special events, favorite restaurants, or favorite food. When the time comes, surprise the other with a gift of congratulations or appreciation. If I learn that your favorite flower is a daisy, I might bring you a bouquet from my garden as they bloom. These gestures can be big or small, and many times free. It is the thought that is invaluable. “The value of a gift isn’t about what went into giving it, but how the person receiving it feels.”- Guidara My Challenge to You: Bake this idea into your team culture. Socialize and empower your team to become part of the experience. Brainstorm a future in which all customers rave, and are overcome with joy and unexpected delight. Write down creative ideas, or small details, about others as they emerge. Keep this list visible and relevant. Create a budget for “unexpected delights.” (95/5 rule) - this allows you to give without trepidation. Curate successes to share with your team. Celebrate wildly and publicly. Integrate this vision by giving autonomy to your team. Set the guardrails and then allow them creative license to innovate. Soon this obsession to delight will go viral!

Have you ever had a friend bring you a gift that contained your favorite candy, candle, or blanket? Something that you love but that you never knew they were even aware of? Has your favorite drink ever been served to you before you’d placed an order? How did that make you feel? It‘s moments like this that stop you in your tracks. How did they know this would bring you such delight? This is what we’re talking about today: Creating a practice and mindset to serve others that surpass expectations and establish a team culture of excellence. They knew because they’d listened and watched you with the hope of connecting on a deeper level, culminating in the creation of a spectacular moment.Interestingly, we’re talking about Unreasonable Hospitality, which is both a concept and the title of Will Guidara’s book. In full disclosure, I’m obsessed with customer service and enamored with the potential ripple effects it has on developing a healthy team and an extraordinary work experience. Becoming laser-focused on the human experience is the backbone and foundation of success. If people you work with, and for, feel appreciated, heard, and valued, almost everything else will fall into place. I recently heard Will speak at a coaching summit, which prompted me to quickly buy his book, listen to a podcast with Karl Pister, and then tune in to an interview with Simon Sinek. I had to share him with you! Will is known for two things: As Co-owner of Eleven Madison, a restaurant in NY that was named “Best in the World,” and for his relentless focus on “elevating ordinary transactions into unforgettable experiences.” Many great chefs serve amazing meals, but few marry the food with an extraordinary experience, attention to detail, and over-the-top anticipatory, unexpected customer service. It’s this combination that brought him enormous recognition. Similar to Horst Schulze, who was the Co-founder and President of the Ritz Carlton, he attributes his success to the small moments, attention to detail, and the creation of unforgettable memories and experiences for his guests. Schulze leveled the playing field by saying, “We are ladies and gentlemen, serving ladies and gentlemen.” He honored his employees, and high-paying guests, equally. Some “unreasonable” examples: Servers bring a full bottle of cognac to the table as the check is delivered. This is a complementary gift for guests to share, as their night of dining winds down and they prepare to head home. Staff members ask where you’ve parked so that they can anticipate when the meter is running low, then add more coins so as not to interrupt your meal. At the Ritz, every employee is given $2K to use at their discretion, if it’s in service to the guest. This can be applied to upgrading a room, buying a metal detector to search for a lost wedding ring, or even replenishing a special toothpaste that may be running low. In the hospital, we once visited a store to buy a patient a special type of drink, then served it to her at 4 PM, which was the time that she’d usually enjoy her drink with her husband, who’d recently passed away. The examples go on and on, all of which are different in response to various needs, however, they all have three things in common: Small moments of delight are recognized as powerful and transformative. The leadership trusts, and empowers, the staff to make decisions that align with their vision of success. There is a “lens of greatness” through which everyone looks. Seek opportunities, big and small, to WOW guests, and each other. These opportunities to serve are contagious, delightful, and rewarding for everyone involved. As Guidara says, “Hospitality is a team sport.” As this culture is integrated, you’ll begin to notice how morale improves, how customer satisfaction spikes, and how teams start to converge around innovation and joy. Each of us, after all, has heard that famous phrase: It’s more powerful to give than to get. ROI: You may be wondering how you can afford these delightful surprises. Remember, at the end of the day, you’re a business, and your business needs to align with your P&L. So, don’t worry, because next week I’ll explain why this will fall into the “P” column! The momentum will build and Unreasonable Hospitality will permeate your organization. My Challenge to You: Inspire your team, giving them permission to focus on, and find creative opportunities to delight and inspire others. Ask your staff to put themselves in the shoes of your customers/guests. What are they worried about? What are their concerns or needs? How might you lessen their burden? Create momentum: Make the concept of unreasonable hospitality a focus.  Integrate ideas, discussions, and celebrations of success into meetings and memos.

Imagine you are driving down a beautiful country road. Your speed is perfect – just fast enough to make good time, but slow enough that you can appreciate and enjoy the turning of the trees, the beautiful skyline, and the flowers along the roadside. You have found a balance of speed, efficiency, and enjoyment. To find more of the same, you keep the foot on the gas, applying just enough pressure to maintain speed, and an ability to respond as needed. After all, you would never take your foot off the pedal since invariably you would roll to a stop. Obvious, right? So why then, do teams, or projects, when hitting their sweet spot and beginning to flow with innovation and success, suddenly release pressure on the gas pedal? I see it all of the time. Not only do teams, and programs, begin to dwindle, but the details are dropped, shortcuts are implemented, and people seem bewildered as to what happened. For almost 20 years, my job was to develop and implement large multidisciplinary programs. We experienced great success. These teams were responsive, nimble, cost-effective, and represented the best of medicine. Plus, it was really fun. When I decided to leave, I assumed I would be hiring my replacement. The person whose job it would be to attend to the details, to move barriers, and to challenge assumptions. The person who kept the foot on the gas. I was wrong. Surprisingly, they didn’t hire a replacement. Since the program was running so well, “it didn’t need anyone.” Take a moment to imagine what happened next. Efficiency, growth, and excellence don’t happen in a vacuum. Success is created and maintained because someone assumes responsibility for the details. Details, which are subtle and often unrecognized, are the invisible threads that hold the fabric together and maintain quality. Resist the urge to let off the gas. “Cruise control” does not exist within teams. As programs develop, we focus on the tactical processes. While this is understandable, there is more to consider. For sustainability, courageous leadership needs to be integrated into the equation. As I say, “The devil is in the details.” It is not sexy or glamorous, but it is the backbone of success. Maintaining relationships, focusing on support, asking other questions, anticipating needs and barriers, and leading with positivity and vision, day after day, is a necessity. This is the recipe for sustained success. My Challenge to You: Have you appointed someone to hold the tension for detail, accountability, and innovation? I would suggest this be one person who is ultimately accountable. As your program reaches success, have you integrated a sustainment plan and identified what might fail if left unattended? See success as a long-distance run. If you sprint at the outset, you will burn out. Slow and steady, baby, slow and steady!